All the single ladies (and gents) please stand up

Please humour me for a moment and imagine that you and I, lovely reader, are meeting up for a coffee after not seeing each other for a while.  We come in from the cold into a snug atmosphere and unwrap all the scarves and jackets, grab a cheeky wee cappuccino and sit ourselves down.  We have a little chat about how things are.  Maybe you tell me about your job/job search, then I tell you about how my family is and we both say what a nice coffee shop this is.  But before long will come the inevitable question – "So Ruth, tell me, any news?  How's that ol' love life of yours?"  Then I say, "Yes, my friend, great news!  It's going so well – I'm still single!"  (By the way, that isn't news as the 'new' from 'news' wouldn't apply to that bit of information).

What's your reaction?  How does your reaction compare to if I had said, "Weeell actually… there is someone" **blush blush cheeky smile**   Maybe the news that I am single thrills you to your very core and you ask me loads of excited questions: "So what's it like?  How did that happen?  Are you enjoying it?  Does it feel like it's for the long run?  Oh I'm so happy for you!!"

But probably not.  Why would you be really happy for me for being alone?  I mean, being single can be ok right, but it's not the happy ending we all dream of, is it?

I've been wondering lately whether it really has to be that way.  Don't get me wrong, I seek closeness and intimacy as much as the next person; and I am not bitter and broken-hearted, nor am I about to run off and become a nun.  I actually want to ask the question of why singleness can't be one of many possible happy endings?  Why is it that we can't bear the idea of a life spent without that one special person with whom we share everything?

The first thing to say is that being single is not the same thing as being alone; nor is being in a relationship automatically a guard against loneliness.  Loneliness is not fun.  The majority of people seek deep intimacy of relationship with people who they can trust and with whom they can be themselves.  Without this life becomes pretty unbearable and pointless.  The problem is that we assume that this is what life is when one is single.  We see life-long singleness as a "sad" thing that labels us as unlovable and rejected. 

Well let me tell you something – almost ALL of the most amazing older people I know, who have influenced my life for the better and who "I want to be when I grow up", are single.  The people I've known who were the strongest and most content with themselves and their lives, who were the most accepting and had the most to offer to others – were all single.  Granted, some of the most unhappy and discontented people I've known were also single but that is by no means a majority. 

These wise, impressive and contented single people were all very far from alone.  They all had deep, intimate friendships with people who supported them and with whom they could be themselves, AND they had a deep and contented relationship with themselves (no sniggers please!).  By this I mean that they had learnt to love themselves as unconditionally as one possibly can.  The feeling of loneliness, I believe, is rooted in a lack of self-love.  We need friends, but we will feel lonely even when with friends or with a lover if we don't feel content in our own skin. 

A very wise woman gave me homework about a year ago.  She challenged me to do something every day that was just for me.  It didn't matter how long it was, she said, all that mattered was that I was spending time with myself doing something that I enjoyed.  At that point I could not think of anything that I truly liked doing because everything I did was for others and I didn't really like spending time alone.  My interests up to that time had been things like painting, making jewellery, playing the piano etc, but I realised that I did them for other people's pleasure, and to impress.  I managed to come up with two things – reading books and walking.  So I started doing that (begrudgingly).  I found it really difficult to put even ten minutes aside in the day just for myself.  After a few months of doing this I had a list of over a dozen things that I liked doing and that list keeps on growing.  It now includes things like having a bath, listening to music, writing (!), cooking for myself and so on.  I also used to believe that a lie-in or nap was a waste of time so very rarely allowed myself to do that.  Now I LOVE the naps!

This exercise is not one of egoism.  It is a recognition of the fact that I cannot give well and genuinely to others unless I have received something for myself; but even more importantly it is a recognition of my own preciousness and worth.  Being single without that knowledge is going to be miserable as we will need someone else in our lives to tell us that we are worthy of love and precious.  Without that person we feel we are nothing.  If I know deep within myself that I have worth, just because I am me, then singleness is no longer a dark and tragic road, but an exciting path of exploration into who I am, what my gifts are, what I can offer and create, and who I can welcome into my life. 

Then, folks, then if you meet someone amazing who you love and who loves you back you will create something magnificent out of each of your wholeness.  They will not complete you for you are already complete – you will make something new.  That is an amazing thing, but also extremely hard work and does not come easily.

If, however, that special romantic partnership never happens, your life will not be incomplete, for you are in it.  You will create other special partnerships with amazing people, even if they are not romantic, which will fulfil your need for community and togetherness.  But, please understand, nobody can fulfil your life-long need for love.  They can try but they will often fail.  They can do a pretty damn good job, but they are human and we are all incapable of loving fully.  You will also never succeed in loving someone else fully and perfectly, so you need to allow your partner (or child, or friend) to be who they are and to do the things which make them more themselves (things which don't involve you), so they are not destroyed by your failures in love.

And guys, I happen to believe that there is a perfect love.  A love that is offered to us in God our mother and father, in Jesus our brother and lover and in the Holy Spirit, the fire, energy and joy of our lives.  If you don't or can't believe in that then my message above still stands, but that is, I believe where true fulfilment lies, and where our hearts finally come to rest in their search for relationship.  Searching for love in ourselves is searching for God's love too because God is within each one of us.

So if you are single, rather than spending all your energy trying to find someone to fulfil you, try finding that in yourself because I promise you it is there.  That exercise of spending time just for you each day is a good place to start.  Know that you are amazing, just because you are you, and if nobody is there to tell you that then it doesn't make it less true.  It is our culture that assumes that our search for love ends in a romantic relationship.  I am not so sure that it has to be that way.  I am, however, not advocating singleness over relationships – relationships can be fabulous!  I just want singleness to be given a chance to be the amazing thing it can be.  

Yours life-lovingly,

Blanched Almonds 

p.s. Now I'm off for a walk!  :)

Think you can't sing? Think again!

I have been told by countless people that they "can't sing", are "tone deaf" or that I "wouldn't want to hear them sing".  I know more people who are convinced that their singing voice is a lost cause, than I do people who are happy with their singing voice; and I am sure of one thing:

You only really believe you can't sing because somebody once (or repeatedly) told you that you can't sing and shouldn't sing. 

Your mum told you.  Your teacher informed you.  Your best friend forbade you. 
 

How very DARE they?!  How dare someone take such a pleasurable thing away from you!

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that you should immediately go out and make an album or go on X Factor (not that the quality of singing there is very high anyway).  That reaction would be part of the culture that I described in my "Open Letter to Dave Myers" which says people should either not sing at all, or should be on talent shows.  Singing has many uses, only one of which is for performance.  In most cultures and in more traditional parts of the UK singing is primarily a community activity.  People sing together for enjoyment.  It is only in our strange celebrity culture that we have decided that people who are good should be marketed, and everyone else should watch silently (unless they are drunk of course, in which case anything is acceptable).

I have spent hours trying to convince some of my good friends to sing for me and have often been able to give them the wonderful news that their voice isn't half as bad as they thought and has loads of potential.  Some of them have even started to cry as they told me of the harsh words that were said to them at a young age which have imprisoned their voice ever since.  If a child is told not to sing then they never get the chance to develop their voice and so don't learn to control it – leading to the huge numbers of people who "can't sing". 

If anyone wants to get really good at singing it may take hours and hours of work.  My message is not that a beautiful singing voice is easy to obtain.  If you have never had the chance to learn to control your voice, it will take a lot of work; but it is usually possible. 

Only 2-5% of the population are actually tone deaf.  This means about one in fifty people cannot actually hear the difference between two notes and often will not enjoy listening to music.  For these people learning to sing may not be obtainable.  But you are unlikely to be in that 2%.

http://www.singwise.com/cgi-bin/main.pl?section=articles&doc=ToneDeafness

Now my actual point is not about learning to sing professionally, starting a band, or going on The Voice.  Singing is not ultimately about success and fame.  Singing is something that we do together, that brings us together, that we use to express social and political points, that we do for our children, and that we use creatively and enjoyably.  And people, NEWSFLASH: you do not have to be "good" to join in these activities and enjoy them!  If the majority of people refuse to sing because they were humiliated as a child, then we lose this powerful activity which is part of who we are as human beings.  About the only place in cities in the UK where singing as a community activity still regularly happens is in religious communities (and football stadiums!), and even there the singing is becoming weaker and less enjoyed.

So do me a favour.  Never ever tell a child not to sing.  In fact, actively encourage them to experiment with their voice.  Don't tell them to go on a talent show unless they are genuinely good because they will be humiliated, but do not take the pleasure of singing away from them.  I sang in a church choir as a child and was allowed to sing countless shy solos before I learnt to master my nerves and my voice.  I was allowed to learn and improve.  Nobody told me not to sing even though I'm sure I was no child-star.

Do me another favour.  Give the metaphorical finger to the people who told you that your singing was horrible/ghastly/painful, that you should never sing, that you "shouldn't give up the day job" (sarcastic, but cutting), or that you should leave singing to other people.  Tell that voice in your head where to go, and enjoy yourself!  If you want singing lessons be prepared for hard work, but go for it.  Make sure you tell the teacher what your aim is so they can give you an honest opinion on whether it is obtainable (you might just want to learn to control your voice a bit better).

And one more favour.  Pass this message on to your friends who are ashamed of their own voices.  I would love this to be a country which re-found its voice.  I know that for me singing is a place where I escape for a while and where I feel closer to those around me.  I would love that to be your experience too.

Yours la-la-la-ingly,

Blanched Almonds

Open letter to Dave Myers: Why you’ve got my vote

Dear Dave,

From the looks of things you have no intentions of bowing to the pressure of your Strictly-based critics.  You’ve said that you’re “having a good time” and “not going to let people spoil that."  You’ve also returned your voters’ loyalty like for like, saying that it’d be pretty rude to leave when so many people want you to stay.  In light of this I am under no illusions that you personally need to hear what I have to say, but my message is as much for the voters as it is for you.  Aside from the fact that comparing you to Anne Widdecombe or John Sergeant is inappropriate as you’re already a darn-sight better than they ever got, I have reasons for believing that you deserve your place on Strictly Come Dancing as much as anyone else on the show, and this is why:

You give us hope.  You give the British people hope that someone can be successful and loved because of who they are and how hard they work, and not because of how naturally beautiful and athletic they are.  Of course we love the dancers who wow us with grace and style, but you wow us with your attitude, enjoyment of life and hard work.  We are not all Natalie Gumede’s or Ben Cohen’s.  Most of us are much more Dave Myers’es when it comes to dancing (I will not begin to compare myself to you as a cook or a motorcyclist).  Most of us have no hope of ever dancing like Natalie, and nor should we – it would be a harmful goal to have, one that only ends in disappointment.  What we can hope for, however, is to be dancers like you Dave - to have a ball and not to give a flying monkey about what other people think of us.

You give us hope that talent is not just about dancing, singing, playing football, painting, or cat-walking (the model kind, not taking a pet for walkies), but about what we have to offer in life that is encouraging and real.  All those things above have value, but nothing has more value or should be a higher aim than bringing joy and encouragement to other people.  You keep getting voted in, Dave, because you do that.

We live in a talent-contest focused, celebrity-fuelled society where only the best of the best get to even show their faces, and anyone less than the best gets asked to “please never ever sing again.  It hurts.”  Then those people never ever sing again.  And it hurts.  It hurts our society and communities because millions of people are denying themselves some of life’s greatest pleasures – to let go and sing and dance and enjoy the feeling of freedom it brings.  I was once in the Philippines where a man was sitting in the street on a beaten up old sofa with a TV in front of him singing karaoke at the top of his voice, and horribly out of tune.  I started to laugh and all the people I was with (all locals) asked me why I was laughing.  I began to explain that his singing was just so terrible, then stopped.  I realised, shamed, that there was no concept in that culture of laughing at someone because they were bad at something.  If they are enjoying it, then let them get on with it.  In many other cultures if music is playing then people dance.  Simple.  Everyone dances.

Of course there is a place for recognizing true beauty in the arts.  We can be extremely moved by a stunning painting, or a piece of music that takes us out of ourselves for a while and reminds us how amazing life and humanity can be; but why should that mean that other people don’t get to paint, play music, or dance?  If only the best dancers get to dance then a hugely enjoyable pastime is lost (I know many people who have to be drunk to dance because they are too embarrassed).  You staying on Strictly Come Dancing gives us normal people permission to dance too, or to sing, or to write stories, or paint, or play guitar, or arrange flowers, or cook, or swim or whatever it is that keeps us alive and brings us joy.

And you know what else Dave?  You’re working bloody hard.  We can see it and we love it.  We know that you love being on Strictly, you love dancing, and that you want to be the best you can be, and we want to support you.  You care about the dancing, about those around you and about having a good time – what is more worth a vote than that?

So please don’t do a John Sergeant on us, please keep brightening up our day, and “keep dancing”!

Yours foot-tappingly,

Blanched Almonds