All the single ladies (and gents) please stand up

Please humour me for a moment and imagine that you and I, lovely reader, are meeting up for a coffee after not seeing each other for a while.  We come in from the cold into a snug atmosphere and unwrap all the scarves and jackets, grab a cheeky wee cappuccino and sit ourselves down.  We have a little chat about how things are.  Maybe you tell me about your job/job search, then I tell you about how my family is and we both say what a nice coffee shop this is.  But before long will come the inevitable question – "So Ruth, tell me, any news?  How's that ol' love life of yours?"  Then I say, "Yes, my friend, great news!  It's going so well – I'm still single!"  (By the way, that isn't news as the 'new' from 'news' wouldn't apply to that bit of information).

What's your reaction?  How does your reaction compare to if I had said, "Weeell actually… there is someone" **blush blush cheeky smile**   Maybe the news that I am single thrills you to your very core and you ask me loads of excited questions: "So what's it like?  How did that happen?  Are you enjoying it?  Does it feel like it's for the long run?  Oh I'm so happy for you!!"

But probably not.  Why would you be really happy for me for being alone?  I mean, being single can be ok right, but it's not the happy ending we all dream of, is it?

I've been wondering lately whether it really has to be that way.  Don't get me wrong, I seek closeness and intimacy as much as the next person; and I am not bitter and broken-hearted, nor am I about to run off and become a nun.  I actually want to ask the question of why singleness can't be one of many possible happy endings?  Why is it that we can't bear the idea of a life spent without that one special person with whom we share everything?

The first thing to say is that being single is not the same thing as being alone; nor is being in a relationship automatically a guard against loneliness.  Loneliness is not fun.  The majority of people seek deep intimacy of relationship with people who they can trust and with whom they can be themselves.  Without this life becomes pretty unbearable and pointless.  The problem is that we assume that this is what life is when one is single.  We see life-long singleness as a "sad" thing that labels us as unlovable and rejected. 

Well let me tell you something – almost ALL of the most amazing older people I know, who have influenced my life for the better and who "I want to be when I grow up", are single.  The people I've known who were the strongest and most content with themselves and their lives, who were the most accepting and had the most to offer to others – were all single.  Granted, some of the most unhappy and discontented people I've known were also single but that is by no means a majority. 

These wise, impressive and contented single people were all very far from alone.  They all had deep, intimate friendships with people who supported them and with whom they could be themselves, AND they had a deep and contented relationship with themselves (no sniggers please!).  By this I mean that they had learnt to love themselves as unconditionally as one possibly can.  The feeling of loneliness, I believe, is rooted in a lack of self-love.  We need friends, but we will feel lonely even when with friends or with a lover if we don't feel content in our own skin. 

A very wise woman gave me homework about a year ago.  She challenged me to do something every day that was just for me.  It didn't matter how long it was, she said, all that mattered was that I was spending time with myself doing something that I enjoyed.  At that point I could not think of anything that I truly liked doing because everything I did was for others and I didn't really like spending time alone.  My interests up to that time had been things like painting, making jewellery, playing the piano etc, but I realised that I did them for other people's pleasure, and to impress.  I managed to come up with two things – reading books and walking.  So I started doing that (begrudgingly).  I found it really difficult to put even ten minutes aside in the day just for myself.  After a few months of doing this I had a list of over a dozen things that I liked doing and that list keeps on growing.  It now includes things like having a bath, listening to music, writing (!), cooking for myself and so on.  I also used to believe that a lie-in or nap was a waste of time so very rarely allowed myself to do that.  Now I LOVE the naps!

This exercise is not one of egoism.  It is a recognition of the fact that I cannot give well and genuinely to others unless I have received something for myself; but even more importantly it is a recognition of my own preciousness and worth.  Being single without that knowledge is going to be miserable as we will need someone else in our lives to tell us that we are worthy of love and precious.  Without that person we feel we are nothing.  If I know deep within myself that I have worth, just because I am me, then singleness is no longer a dark and tragic road, but an exciting path of exploration into who I am, what my gifts are, what I can offer and create, and who I can welcome into my life. 

Then, folks, then if you meet someone amazing who you love and who loves you back you will create something magnificent out of each of your wholeness.  They will not complete you for you are already complete – you will make something new.  That is an amazing thing, but also extremely hard work and does not come easily.

If, however, that special romantic partnership never happens, your life will not be incomplete, for you are in it.  You will create other special partnerships with amazing people, even if they are not romantic, which will fulfil your need for community and togetherness.  But, please understand, nobody can fulfil your life-long need for love.  They can try but they will often fail.  They can do a pretty damn good job, but they are human and we are all incapable of loving fully.  You will also never succeed in loving someone else fully and perfectly, so you need to allow your partner (or child, or friend) to be who they are and to do the things which make them more themselves (things which don't involve you), so they are not destroyed by your failures in love.

And guys, I happen to believe that there is a perfect love.  A love that is offered to us in God our mother and father, in Jesus our brother and lover and in the Holy Spirit, the fire, energy and joy of our lives.  If you don't or can't believe in that then my message above still stands, but that is, I believe where true fulfilment lies, and where our hearts finally come to rest in their search for relationship.  Searching for love in ourselves is searching for God's love too because God is within each one of us.

So if you are single, rather than spending all your energy trying to find someone to fulfil you, try finding that in yourself because I promise you it is there.  That exercise of spending time just for you each day is a good place to start.  Know that you are amazing, just because you are you, and if nobody is there to tell you that then it doesn't make it less true.  It is our culture that assumes that our search for love ends in a romantic relationship.  I am not so sure that it has to be that way.  I am, however, not advocating singleness over relationships – relationships can be fabulous!  I just want singleness to be given a chance to be the amazing thing it can be.  

Yours life-lovingly,

Blanched Almonds 

p.s. Now I'm off for a walk!  :)